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So yeah, you can probably tell that i'm not feeling terribly good as of this writing. That happens sometimes. Probably a combination of sleep deprivation and my inner demons acting up.
I guess this is as good a time as it gets to also note that there is indeed more to me than being a silly goofball all the time (which, to be honest, i WOULD like to be, because these moody episodes suck). I get down times as much as the next guy, and well... It's extra bad today because i've been thinking about just how hard it'd be for a guy like me to fit into todays society. I like drawing; i also like rambling, gaming, game developing and what have you. Problem is that none of these are realistically going to feed me.
So, get a job, surely that's possible? Well, yes, but to get a job that doesn't suck twenty bear asses would require me to get an education, and todays educational system at university level seems to prioritize stress above everything else. They even tell you that they have high expectations, and there's going to be a lot of pressure. Now, for a determined individual, this is not a problem. But when you're me and have an inferiority complex (i think), it means that you find yourself constantly wondering if you can live up to all the expectations while dealing with the pressure. Last time, it ended up with what probably triggered my IBS (which is pretty much confirmed by now) as well as a dangerously close brush with mr. Clinical Depression. Will i do better this time, or will i have another breakdown? What i believe about that depends on my mental state, but right now, i'm not feeling optimistic. Like hell if i'm going to give up, but the thought of piling on stress again is not a nice one at all.
On top of that, on the other end of the education, i'll probably be facing a job with an almost equal level of expectation and pressure. I'm at my best when i'm doing things out of passion, and i'm at my absolute worst when i'm forced to do things because i absolutely have to and there's no way around. Ideally, i'd have a job that i'd be passionate about, but just how often does that happen? One thing's for certain; without an education, i won't be getting one of those (unless i miraculously manage to do well on the indie game scene).
And to compound all that, there's the fact that i have no fucking idea where i see myself in the future. It's all a gray haze if i try to think forward. It could go anywhere, but at this rate, it's more likely to go badly. That doesn't make me feel very good, know what i'm sayin'?
Basically, dinoface up there is an attempt at capturing how i feel at this particular moment. I'm fairly sure that i'll be feeling better tomorrow, but i won't let times like these go ignored.
I guess this is as good a time as it gets to also note that there is indeed more to me than being a silly goofball all the time (which, to be honest, i WOULD like to be, because these moody episodes suck). I get down times as much as the next guy, and well... It's extra bad today because i've been thinking about just how hard it'd be for a guy like me to fit into todays society. I like drawing; i also like rambling, gaming, game developing and what have you. Problem is that none of these are realistically going to feed me.
So, get a job, surely that's possible? Well, yes, but to get a job that doesn't suck twenty bear asses would require me to get an education, and todays educational system at university level seems to prioritize stress above everything else. They even tell you that they have high expectations, and there's going to be a lot of pressure. Now, for a determined individual, this is not a problem. But when you're me and have an inferiority complex (i think), it means that you find yourself constantly wondering if you can live up to all the expectations while dealing with the pressure. Last time, it ended up with what probably triggered my IBS (which is pretty much confirmed by now) as well as a dangerously close brush with mr. Clinical Depression. Will i do better this time, or will i have another breakdown? What i believe about that depends on my mental state, but right now, i'm not feeling optimistic. Like hell if i'm going to give up, but the thought of piling on stress again is not a nice one at all.
On top of that, on the other end of the education, i'll probably be facing a job with an almost equal level of expectation and pressure. I'm at my best when i'm doing things out of passion, and i'm at my absolute worst when i'm forced to do things because i absolutely have to and there's no way around. Ideally, i'd have a job that i'd be passionate about, but just how often does that happen? One thing's for certain; without an education, i won't be getting one of those (unless i miraculously manage to do well on the indie game scene).
And to compound all that, there's the fact that i have no fucking idea where i see myself in the future. It's all a gray haze if i try to think forward. It could go anywhere, but at this rate, it's more likely to go badly. That doesn't make me feel very good, know what i'm sayin'?
Basically, dinoface up there is an attempt at capturing how i feel at this particular moment. I'm fairly sure that i'll be feeling better tomorrow, but i won't let times like these go ignored.
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© 2014 - 2024 ComradeShook
Comments6
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Oh, Shook... :c It always saddens me when I see artist whose works I really like struggling with things like these. The worst thing is, it's more common than you probably think. A lot of people, especially young people and students, are very insecure because of the current economy/job market, and their futures. In this society, it seems that the amount of money you make dictates your worth as a person. Although it is easy to feel this way, as soon as we stop and think about it, it's easy to understand that it doesn't have to be that way.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be alright, but I can't guarantee it. But what I can do is to ask you to think about your job - making some money via art IS possible, but probably won't be able to sustain you. Please, try to find the will to finish your studies, but don't give up on art and game development completely. Do it as a hobby, for your own enjoyment. Doing online art commissions is possible in order to make some pocket money from the side, as is distributing indie games via steam/greenlight.
As for work, do you at least somewhat like your field of study? For example, my own field of study, German language and literature, isn't my dream job (being a writer is), but while I was working briefly as a teacher, it was actually pretty alright. Even though it's not my biggest passion, I did manage to make most of it, because I had to work with a lot of German literature, and that will probably help me grow as a writer. What I'm trying to say is, it's not impossible to find a job, even without a complete education. I only finished the second year of my bachelor studies, and managed to work for some time, all while living in a country with a completely broken economy and in a field that isn't that wanted on the job market.
Try to find a career/youth counseling organization, or something like that. Most universities have something like that. They helped me a great deal, they will probably be able to help you out too. You don't have to do this on your own. As for feeling down, discuss it with your psychologist, if you're still going. I'm afraid that non-professionals can't do much against clinical depression. Maybe it's just a phase, but if it's clinical, then it can't be fixed with puppies and hugs.
Please take care, and do get better
I wish I could tell you that everything will be alright, but I can't guarantee it. But what I can do is to ask you to think about your job - making some money via art IS possible, but probably won't be able to sustain you. Please, try to find the will to finish your studies, but don't give up on art and game development completely. Do it as a hobby, for your own enjoyment. Doing online art commissions is possible in order to make some pocket money from the side, as is distributing indie games via steam/greenlight.
As for work, do you at least somewhat like your field of study? For example, my own field of study, German language and literature, isn't my dream job (being a writer is), but while I was working briefly as a teacher, it was actually pretty alright. Even though it's not my biggest passion, I did manage to make most of it, because I had to work with a lot of German literature, and that will probably help me grow as a writer. What I'm trying to say is, it's not impossible to find a job, even without a complete education. I only finished the second year of my bachelor studies, and managed to work for some time, all while living in a country with a completely broken economy and in a field that isn't that wanted on the job market.
Try to find a career/youth counseling organization, or something like that. Most universities have something like that. They helped me a great deal, they will probably be able to help you out too. You don't have to do this on your own. As for feeling down, discuss it with your psychologist, if you're still going. I'm afraid that non-professionals can't do much against clinical depression. Maybe it's just a phase, but if it's clinical, then it can't be fixed with puppies and hugs.
Please take care, and do get better