Ok so, i've talked with a lot of people, and the things that have happened are essentially that i have decided to keep studying, albeit with a reduced work load. This allows to me at least stalemate the build up of stress, so it's not getting worse, which is always a nice thing. I am, however, still suffering under the effects of it, with wildly varying levels of happiness and motivation, along with being more forgetful than usual. One day, i'll be feeling tip-top and ready to take on the world, while another... I won't. It's not atypical for people to have their ups and downs, but my overall mood tends to change on a daily basis.
This is probably linked to bad sleeping habits. I'd be lying if i said i had proper sleep hygiene, and i'd also be lying if i said i got my 8 hours every day. There just... Doesn't seem to be any real pattern to it, though. I've had nights where i slept for 4 hours and woke up A-OK, and other nights with about 8 hours where i woke up feeling like something the cat dragged in yesterday. It is quite certain that i'm sleep deprived to some degree, and obviously being tired all day doesn't do wonders for my mood, but it's like... Some days i'm rather irritable at everything, while other days may have me tired (or not, depending on how well i slept) and still reasonably cheerful. IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.
As for how i'm otherwise doing, reasonably well, i think. I'm still amazingly bothered by how i don't know what to do with myself, especially because i need to find out soon. Mental issues aside, would i like to keep making silly drawings and make CREATIVE THINGS for a living? Hell yeah i would. Is that realistic? Nope, not at all. I am extremely grateful for the kind comments i get on my stuff, but sadly, there's that thing called money that's getting in the way of doing that all the time. More specifically, if i am to do CREATIVE THINGS, i need a place to live, and i need food and water and all those things that life requires to sustain itself, such as high speed internet connections.
The present day is the best time as of yet to actually make a living off of CREATIVE THINGS, what with things like Patreon existing and what have you. Unfortunately for me, the aforementioned mental issues are seriously obstructing such notions, filling me with fear and apprehension whenever i'm trying to act towards their resolution. I'm also scared of making major changes in my life, which is what that's going to involve. I daydream about doing a lot of cool things, but when i have the chance to actually DO them... I tend to just lock up and do nothing (or start gaming) instead, and every little failure to act makes it harder to act next time.
Will i ever give up on my vague dreams? No, at least not unless it's conclusively proven to be impossible. It's just really hard to do anything when your dreams are clashing with subconscious fears. I'm obviously not going to have everything handed to me on a silver platter (even though it would be nice), and i'm okay with that, but... I just don't know where to put my efforts. Studying for IT engineer is all well and good, but it feels like i'm resigning myself to a second-rate compromise instead of actually going where i want to, and i think i'd go nuts in no time flat if i found myself stuck in a samey 8-hour-a-day job. In other words, that kind of work is NOT how i can give my best to society.
and now my brain is running out of words and i am extremely tired so i shall end this ramblepost now