HELLO FINE SIRS AND LADIES AND PEOPLE AND WHAT NOT
I am actually not feeling very well, spiritually speaking. I think it's the stress from uni that's really getting to me. Every time i have to do something that i have a bit of difficulty with, i teeter on the edge of depression, and frequently vocalize my desire to just take a year-long break and do fuck-all the entire time. And aside from this desire to do fuck-all for an extended period of time, i'm starting to have a hard time seeing where my life is even going, and i feel like i don't have an awful lot of control over it.
See, i am at the moment still studying for my bachelor in geology, but i'm starting to seriously wonder if it's really the right path for me. I mean, i am moderately fascinated by our planets inner workings, but i am honestly not very interested in knowing what grain size of sediment i can expect at which point in a river. I know full and well that it's EXTREMELY difficult to make a living off of just being a useless piece of shit all day and playing video games, and that's fine, i don't want that as a job. I would, however, love a job or occupation where i can bring my full creative tendencies to bear, because good fucking lord there's an entire world living inside my brain.
But... Suppose that i were to stop or just pause my education and leap headlong towards my dreams. Dreams of game development, arting, writing and what have you. What if that fell flat on its face? My dream would be crushed, and i'd be stuck living with that knowledge, and i'd also have to find an actual occupation that isn't boring and/or stressing as all fuck. I do plan on doing my damnedest to AVOID this dream falling flat on its face, because after all, who else but myself can make it happen?
The most annoying part of this is that i feel uncomfortable talking to my parents about it. From what i can tell, they're both proud to have both their sons studying at the university, and... Well, i don't know. That's the problem. I don't know what to do. I feel like i'm going to fall apart if the workload keeps up like this, but i also feel like i'll fall apart if i were to stop, because what will i do then? Sit around and play games all day? Get a boring as fuck job at McDonalds as that greasy guy who monotonously takes your order without as much as a smirk? I don't want that! If i could get my wish, i want a job where, through my creative efforts and insane behaviour, i can make the world a better and funnier place to be in. Whether that's by making games or drawing comics or art or what have you (or all of them), it's not so important exactly what it is, but that i get to do that. Is that really too much asked in this cold and unforgiving world?
And finally, on top of that, there's the biggest obstacle of them all: Myself. There are a TON of things that i think "hey i'd like to do that" about, but can't ever get past my hestitation to do. A very prominent example of this is me speaking into a microphone. I have ONCE in my entire lifetime participated in a video game stream with a friend of mine, microphone and all, and it was fun as hell to unleash my inner ham. But that was only because every other person in the house was locked in front of the television on the floor above. I'd feel extremely awkward sitting around and hamming it the fuck up with my bro in the same room (who, granted, might be the one person in the house who'd join in and multiply the ham if i asked him), and if one of my parents suddenly drop in while i was rambling English like a bloody maniac? Awkward. We're all native danes, and i wear headphones. From their perspective, there's this one guy sitting in front of his PC shouting English gibberish and obscenities into the monitor to a silent and unseen audience. They do know that i am a bit bonkers, so they might well understand it perfectly fine, but THE MOMENT OF DISCOVERY, and also interruptions.
See, i'm an extremely shy and easily embarassed person. It took FIVE YEARS before i mustered the courage to show my nearest relatives that i like to make arty things. It was a GROUNDBREAKING day for me, possibly because i'm very afraid of doing something that my parents didn't expect. They didn't expect me to be slightly artistic, but they were actually proud. The adrenaline was coursing like mad through my veins, because good fucking lord i felt like i just leapt off a mountain and into a cup of water and survived to tell the tale. While i don't necessarily expect that they'd be proud of me rambling in english to the internet, i do wonder if they'd approve of it. As far as i know, it's a perfectly normal thing for young adult males to be doing nowadays, and technically i do fall into that demographic.
And on a slightly different tangent, there is something i feel like would be a lot of fun to do: Something that i call the RAMBLEDOODLE. Basically, i'd grab Paint or GIMP, my microphone and a recording program, and then i'd ramble while making (a) doodle(s). Ramble in the most gloriously hammy manner i can, and i'm reasonably sure i can actually get pretty hammy if i put effort into it. Doodle something that's either random or suggested by the viewers. Maybe some days go balls out and actually paint something while rambling. But most importantly, i'm going to be RAMBLING. And you know what that requires? A microphone. And do you know what it requires to ramble into said microphone? It requires me to overcome this barrier of shyness and flat out ask people around me if they mind me rambling loudly into a microphone in English. For me, that's a fucking titanic task. I feel like my life would get a lot better if i just spilled the beans and lost all these inhibitions, but on the other hand, i'm afraid of losing control over myself and alienating everyone near me. I don't know what people would think of me if i were to suddenly transform into the loud barrel of ham that i kind of wish i were, but i'm curious. On the other hand, i'm terrified of experimenting with things like this, because there's no undo button to reality.
I suppose my brother already knows what kind of a madcap i actually am, as probably the only person on this planet, and he is unquestionably my best friend in the entire world, if one can refer to a brother as a friend. Alongside that, the people i know here on the internet don't seem repulsed by my much more manic side. Maybe reality works like this too? I hope it does. Maybe i should just jump at it one day and let things happen. I suppose it is mostly regular humans behind all these usernames. My subconscious just doesn't seem to get that notion properly.
Anyhoo, that's all for tonight. I'd much appreciate some kind of feedback, but honestly i won't be surprised if this wall of text is too much to read. It was nice to get it out, though.