yes of course commissions are still open although i'm probably not going to buy the tablet any more
SO HELLO AGAIN, i'm probably going to ramble a bit while farting out toxic gasses. Maybe. Possibly. So anyways, where do i see myself going with this arting business? Well, for once, i actually have a very clear idea: I would like to depict my thoughts quickly, efficiently and visually pleasing-ly. As it is in this world, getting better at art generally requires you to study from reality, and i can totally see the point of it, because although my mind usually looks like a showreel of cartoons, one needs to know how reality looks in order to simplify and distill it into quick doodles.
However, my thoughts are seldom related to reality, at least not the ones that i'd like to depict, and i don't want to get so bogged down in the details of realism. I mean, you're not going to find a bipedal dinosaur with opposable thumbs and floating eyebrows anywhere in real life, as much as i'd like it, so how does one even reliably practice such things? Repetition, i guess.
But, there's another problem. I feel like i'm starting to repeat myself too often, like i'm always trying to draw the same things. I guess there's nothing inherently wrong about that, but it bothers me somewhat. I even keep thinking about the same damn things all the time, although i think this is a result of me NOT drawing them, due to a lack of confidence. Objectively speaking, i am PROBABLY good enough to draw most of those things with a bit of effort, but i just don't feel confident about it. Possibly related to one fairly major issue in my head that i have recently identified:
Fear of rejection. That's the name of my internal Balrog that's pulling a Gandalf on many of my ideas and aspirations. I know it's never pleasant to be rejected, but this is a fairly severe fear instilled by outside sources. I am bloody TERRIFIED that people will reject and shun me if i reveal what's actually going on in my head. I am also bothered by failure, more so than i can easily ignore, again probably at least tangentially related to the fear of rejection. So, the prospect of drawing many of the ideas in my head first of all means that i have to overcome this fear of rejection, and subsequently try to not worry about failing the task at hand. This means that in general, it's much easier for me to just keep thinking about the things instead of drawing them and moving forwards, which isn't exactly conductive to progress at all.
So, in an effort to make things a bit easier for myself, i'm going to try talking about what it is that i'm reluctant to depict. A scant few of you may have seen or even read Strange Company
, a story of mine that's still in the making. This story prominently features a fictional humanoid species: Draconians. I'm well aware of how close they are to reaching Mary Sue and/or author pet status, but this isn't what i'm worried about, because that particular bit is going to be relevant later on. But, the thing is that a LOT of my artsy thoughts revolve about these chaps (as well as regular dragons to a lesser degree), almost approaching the realms of obsession. I quite plainly think that dragons badass as fuck, and i've designed draconians to be physical badasses, but with lacking mental capabilities. Thus, as a fictional species that i've put more than a little bit of thought into, i find myself imagining how they look and behave quite frequently.
Now, for anyone else, this probably wouldn't be a problem at all, but i fear that i'd attract the wrong kind of attention if i were to draw these chaps. As far as anthropomorphism goes, these chaps aren't terribly high on the scale, since i've consciously strived to make them noticably different from humans in various ways. That doesn't change the fact that they look an awful lot like anthropomorphic dragons, and in all honesty, they kind of are, although mostly in the sense of a parallel sapient species to humans. They wouldn't ever be able to replace humans for anything that requires any substantial level of thinking, and generally the only thing they have going for them as a species is their physical prowess. So, although they'd be excellent candidates for tasks that require a lot of brawn, they'd be hopeless in most socially or mentally demanding tasks.
But why does this bother me? Well, i've seen how wildly opinions differ about furries, and although i don't identify as one myself, i'm pretty sure people would stamp me as one fairly quickly if i were to illustrate the draconians as frequently as they appear in my head. Probably because i think they're more interesting than regular human characters. I mean, i see plenty of other humans every day, so it's not weird of me to seek more exotic characters, is it?
My subconscious says that it is, hence the problem. It's not just restricted to draconians though, since there are more things going on in my head that could be considered non-standard course for me. I think. I don't know, honestly. It shouldn't matter, but it currently does.